Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"

The Law of Inverse Value: the less you contribute to society, the greater the trauma you can sustain with minimal to no physical sequelae, including falls from 3 stories, stabbings (chest, neck, head, slashings to the face), gunshot wounds (chest, neck, pelvis, leg, traumatic arrest (only to be killed 7 years later in a separate GSW incident)), and high speed MVC's, unrestrained, where multiple people in the other vehicle are killed.

Lemme add tip #3. Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don't pay.

Similarly, if you're 90 and gonna get a hooker, pay up...amazingly, the slash through-and-through both esophagus and trachea along with at-the-door full arrest was survived and he went home trached, never to speak or eat again...hope she was worth it.

When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.

If you have sex with a girl, and your frat brother tells you right after you come downstairs that she has herpes, pouring bleach all over your privates will not take care of ANY of your problems!

If you are high on PCP and bite off your girlfriend's clitoris during sex, make sure to bite off your own thumb. This will somehow make everything all better.

If you are trying to impress everyone taking care of you with your worldly wit and wisdom, making comments about Ghandi to a Persian (not Indian) doctor, Chairman Mao to a Fillipino (not Chinese) nurse, and Hitler to a Polish (not German) tech will only lead everyone to believe you are an "ignant sum'bich."

If you get really drunk before ingesting an ungodly amount of antifreeze, and you go to the Emergency Room to ask us why you aren't dead, not only will you not get a straight answer, but you WILL get a hemodialysis catheter in the crotch, and no we won't just "finish you off."