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| | Location: Copenhagen, DK | | Joined: 10.06.06 | | Posted on 12-05-2007 22:42 |
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George Carlin, one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time, perhaps best known for his socio-politicial commentary and treatment of taboo subjects, turned 70 today. Here's a collection of his best quotes:
From http://blogzarro.com/?p=226:
1. I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
6. "I wanna live, I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade."
7. "I used to be Irish Catholic now I'm an American, you know you grow."
8. You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. It's never just a game when you're winning.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are 7 you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993...to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven....baaaad words". That's what they told us, right? "That's a bad word!!" Awwww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? And tits doesn't even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. "Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots". Sounds like a snack...oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don't mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n' Sesame Tits n' Cheese Tits.....Tater Tits. Bet you can't eat just one!!
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
20. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
21. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
22. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to to us, she said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala."
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
30. You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.
31. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
34. I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts; I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
42. So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy but it's always worked in our family.
43. Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievments on the back of our car."
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
59. Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water's edge. You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: it reads, and I quote, "Fuck waffles."
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. "Meow" means "woof" in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. "No comment" is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
84. You can't argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment there not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I've been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country thre isn't a lof worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people woh aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
93. Hooray for most things.
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from violen and trying to take other people's stuff.
95. I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
101. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
From Wikipedia:
"They always give the first lady ridiculous jobs. Barbara Bush was told to help the children read. Betty Ford they told her to drink. They said drink and we'll name a building after you. But with Barbara it was literacy. The government wanted Barbara Bush to teach the American children how to read, because she did such a great job with George."
- George Carlin at Roy Thompson Hall in Toronto
"They're superstitious, they have these beliefs, these primitive, you know, people believe in a... I mean they're just really kind of credulous, and gullible. People believe in, for instance, hell and angels, okay, these are very primitive, very, very backward to me, backward sounding beliefs, these are child-like, and that's the key, because they get you when you're a kid, they get you when you're little, and they tell you there's a God, and if you can make people believe, I believe this, if you can make someone believe that there's an invisible man, living in the sky, who's watching everything you do, and keeping count of everything you do, which is good and which is bad, then you can make that person believe anything after that, you can add anything you want, the 4th of July shit just rolls right in, land of the free, home of the brave, the press is fair and impartial, justice is blind, all men are created equal, your vote is important, the United States government is on your side, the army is here to keep the peace, the police are on your side...Oh, and freedom of choice, this is the big one, the illusion of choice, we're led to feel free by the exercise of meaningless choices. There are, for instance, important things r12; not too many choices, unimportant things-ice cream flavors, what do you want, we've got 31, the flavor of the week, the flavor of the month, but political parties-we're down to two, jeez. Sources of information, media companies down to five, banks, insurance companies, pharmaceuticals, chemical companies, oil companies-used to be seven, down to three, pretty soon it's gonna be two. But if you're lookin' for a bagel or a fuckin' donut, hey, what do you want-pineapple supreme, hazelnut; we've got everything you want. Cereals, I counted, personally in the store counted 192 different cereal choices, 192. 140 different cat foods, I counted, and that includes a tartar-control cat food for senior citizen cats, okay?"
- George Carlin, appearance on Dennis Miller Live [response to why Americans are so easily influenced by advertising]
"I've begun worshiping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate."
- George Carlin, Brain Droppings
"This is a group of social criminals, these people in the space program. NAS(A)holes, I call them. In case you haven't heard, the latest disaster for the rest of the universe is that the United States is gonna go to Mars. Okay? Ah, yeah. We're gonna go to Mars. And then of course we're gonna colonize deep space. With our microwave hot dogs and plastic vomit, fake dog shit and cinnamon dental floss, lemon-scented toilet paper and sneakers with lights in the heels. And all these other impressive things we've done down here. But let me ask you this: what are we gonna tell the intergalactic council of ministers the first time one of our teenage mothers throws their newborn baby into a dumpster? How are we gonna explain that to the space people? How are we gonna let them know that our ambassador was only late for the meeting because his breakfast was cold and he had to spend half an hour punching his wife around the kitchen? And what are they gonna think when they find out, its just a local custom, that over 80 million women in the Third world have had their clitorises forcibly removed in order to reduce their sexual pleasure so they won't cheat on their husbands? Can't you just sense how eager the rest of the universe is for us to show up?"
- George Carlin, Complaints and Grievances
"Things that you want to change in the world have to start inside yourself. You can't just acquiesce. You can't be at the mall, with a fannypack on, scratching your nuts, buying sneakers with lights in them. You have to be thinking. You have to be resisting. You have to be talking."
- George Carlin, interview in Conversations on The Edge of The Apocalypse by David Jay Brown
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